Twas the day before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring.
Especially the technician from Telstra.

He was supposed to come between the hours of 7 am and noon to replace a modem. At noon we phoned Telstra and were put through, after the initial long waiting period, to Ruis in the Philippines. He assured us that the technician was on the way and would be with us in half an hour. Was there anything else he could do for us?

I have a growing list of things that Telstra can do for us, all of it requiring the flexibility of a contortionist.

We sat down to wait and then the phone rang. Telstra had overbooked its technicians. They didn’t know how this mix-up could have happened. Why would they? I was not in the least surprised by their ignorance. Could they reschedule for next Saturday morning between 7 am and noon?

I’m beginning not to mind as much as I used to, because even if they come they can’t fix the ruddy problem.

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Hey, wanna make a few bucks quick and easy? Apart from the risky business of holding up a bank, you can always kidnap a few Spanish sailors. Somali pirates did just that and now the sailors have been freed because of an agreement between the owners of the ship and the pirates. Now I wonder what that could possibly mean?

To be honest, I’m not wondering at all even though the Spanish government refuses to admit that a ransom was paid. You know the sort of thing that governments say. “I reserve the right blah blah” and everyone knows it means “Yes, we caved in.”

No risk attached when you deal with Spanish authorities. They pay up. It’s their foreign policy to give in to threats and kidnappings. Remember the Madrid bombings? Well, that got results for the terrorists, didn’t it? Spain pulled its troops out of Iraq immediately.

What a sorry lot they are to give in like that! What sort of deterrent to pirates can it be to hand over wads of cash to criminals every time they kidnap someone?

When the spineless Spaniards gave in to Muslim terrorists following Madrid bombings, they set the stage for further extortions, not only for their own citizens but for other people. And now they’ve done it again.

What really amazes me is how the image of the proud Spaniard, the conquistador, the toreador, El Cid and all that, contrasts with the current reality of a bunch of chickens who can’t wait to capitulate. I can only shake my head in despair.

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You could have knocked me over with a feather when they told me I have been selected to represent Australia at the Olympics.

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Hard to believe that some Czechs would pay good money for an Aussie reptile that is a pest around our homes.

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Lately I’ve been reminded of that famous saying “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” But plagiarism goes too far. I say that because I’ve noticed that too frequently when I make an observation and use particular analogies they turn up in a newspaper article a day or two day later.

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The C.E.O of a government-owned power company jumped in front of a coming train and killed himself in 2004. It’s a tragic event which was the result of an investigation into his financial dealings.

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The latest obsession in the media is the number of young people who binge drink. It’s astounding how some old topics crop up from time to time. Nothing comes of the discussion. Nothing can come. Just a lot of hot air. Here’s more of it…

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if you visit New Zealand you must have a taste of the best bread I’ve ever eaten. It’s called Mackenzie High Country Bread and honestly, I wish I could bring it here to Australia. It is full of grain, nice and thick and very satisfying. Don’t I sound like a commercial?

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Your Royal Highness,

We regret to inform you that Harry’s cover has been blown and so we have to bring him back.

We realise that the mission was to have him “serve” in Afghanistan and be dispatched by the Taliban. He would thus have died a hero’s death in the defence of freedom.

There can be no greater way to go and Harry was most keen to do the soldier bit. Quite frankly, Your Highness , he seems to be a much braver man than Will and this would have served us well.

As you already know, there are not many tunnels and speeding cars over here, and we had intended that the combat take care of the problem. There was so much going for us since it is almost impossible to identify the Taliban individually. Seen one, seen them all. A bit like a white Fiat in France, actually.

Anyhow, the whole thing has gone up in smoke and so he will have to be repatriated. Expecting to convince everyone that the business was a tragic accident for the second time would be too much to ask. We simply can’t take that risk again.

Harry might have come up trumps and receive a hero’s welcome back home, but fingers crossed, sir, we will not let you down next time.

Your obedient servant.

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Somebody once asked a wise man for a definition of chutzpah. “Imagine,” he replied, “that a man murders both his parents and at his trial begs the jury to be lenient towards him because he is an orphan. That’s chutzpah.” The closest translation that the English language has of “chutzpah” is “hide.”

The Muslims here in Australia are demonstrating a humungous chutzpah when it comes to their education. You have to laugh…

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